Hello, World!

I'm alive! Years later, but I'm alive. I'd like to apologize to the old me who was once so excited to make people laugh on here, but lost herself along the way. Found my eyeballs and I'm ready to laugh again.
Something is brewing and it's not my moms bomb ass albondiga soup!

Hi. I'm a smiling potato.

Nails are for Snails

I recently took off my half inch long acrylic nails because I realized I couldn't do a GODDAMN thing with them. To all those hardcore committed ladies out there that NEVER miss their two week appointments... how the hell do you do it?! I'm ESPECIALLY talking to my GHETTO FAB females with them wolverine claws lol
The idea of getting them done for a wedding seemed great, up until I had use my hands to do things haha. I couldn't type, button/unbutton my clothes or (WARNING!) wipe my ass. Yup, true story, folks.
On top of being useless tools, they're lethal too! I coulda sworn they cut me when pampering my "BFF" Vajay lol
OMG, and don't get me started on sex. A total nightmare! Kat a.k.a Freddy Krueger. You get the picture. That's where I draw the line!

I CHALLENGE anyone to debunk my opinion on this and tackle a full day of errands, household chores and personal hygiene, without struggling and looking absolutely ridiculous.
Short, clean and the occasional red nail polish is what I think I'll stick to from now on♥

Hope there's no hard feelings with my nail lady, Tina.

Oreo lovers unite!

For those that boycotted Oreo for posting a rainbow filled Oreo cookie on their Facebook page, in celebration and support of LGBT pride month, by all means, give all your cookies to me. I shall eat every one of them. I love Oreos♥
What's wrong with you?! Are you NUTS?!! This is probably the best cookie known to man! Even nursing babies give it the thumbs up!
It's so sad that something so small gets hounded by close minded individuals. What a bunch of hating bullies you people are. Folks are actually serious about NEVER buying Nabisco products every again! hahaha. Do you honestly not have anything better to do with your time than waste it getting worked up over a cookie? hahaha. Think about it.

Oh yeah, one more thing...

You do know your kids hate you right now, right? lol

Hair Trail

When men have their stomachs exposed and I see a trail of dark hair tornadoing down their belly button, it only tells me they have an even darker bush, waiting to surprise their next victim. Men should DEFINITELY be subjected to the same standards as women and be required to do three important things, so straight women and gay men don't find them disgusting: 1. Shave (manscaping is cool) 2.Wax 3.Laser.

No one likes a fro down below guys. You can thank me later!;)

Black Girl Booty

I think God was interrupted when drawing the black female posterior and that ink just kept on running and expanding. God was like "oh shit! Time's running out! I gotta turn this in NOW cause tomorrow's day 7! my day off, son!" I can never figure out where they get their jeans, dude! They fit so snug and they still wear a belt! lol

Mr. Treadmill Man

Got on the treadmill today, hoping my ass wouldn't fall off and slam into the wall like last time. I did REALLY GOOD!!! It's funny how things traumatize you. When I fell, everything felt like slow motion (even my desperate call for help) lol.

Once my mom ran to turn off the power switch, the adrenaline had worn off and I could feel the rubber burns on my knees and elbows. I went from burning fat to burning rubber. I swore to the heavens never to get on that mother fucking killing machine ever again and just stick to running at the park across the street. I guess after a while, I started to see it as a scary object. Kinda how like Mikey from "Look Who's Talking Too" sees Mr. Toilet Man.
After a few run-ins with Mr. Treadmill Man, I finally got the courage to hop on and get over my fear, only this time I wear the emergency clip and NEVER close my eyes lol.

♪You know it's hard out here for a Chick♪

Today's topic was supposed to be about the struggles women deal with when having to go pee. Our vaginas don't have disgusting elephant trunk like features, so any chance of peeing out in the wild is rather messy.

I've always wished for some type of magical contraption that one can just slap on and pee away. I searched and I found! Can't believe I didn't know about this before!

Ladies and Gentlemen...It is with great pleasure, that I present to you, a very funny but creative
invention...

Pretty cool, huh?! I mean, it ain't no cool girl penis you can just pull out whenever, but it's better than poppin a squat and getting pee all over ya.

Even though this is a HUGE help for those inconvenient emergencies, I still have hope that one day someone will invent a suction cup like gadget that washes, powders, and dries my lady parts.