Nails are for Snails

I recently took off my half inch long acrylic nails because I realized I couldn't do a GODDAMN thing with them. To all those hardcore committed ladies out there that NEVER miss their two week appointments... how the hell do you do it?! I'm ESPECIALLY talking to my GHETTO FAB females with them wolverine claws lol
The idea of getting them done for a wedding seemed great, up until I had use my hands to do things haha. I couldn't type, button/unbutton my clothes or (WARNING!) wipe my ass. Yup, true story, folks.
On top of being useless tools, they're lethal too! I coulda sworn they cut me when pampering my "BFF" Vajay lol
OMG, and don't get me started on sex. A total nightmare! Kat a.k.a Freddy Krueger. You get the picture. That's where I draw the line!

I CHALLENGE anyone to debunk my opinion on this and tackle a full day of errands, household chores and personal hygiene, without struggling and looking absolutely ridiculous.
Short, clean and the occasional red nail polish is what I think I'll stick to from now on♥

Hope there's no hard feelings with my nail lady, Tina.

Oreo lovers unite!

For those that boycotted Oreo for posting a rainbow filled Oreo cookie on their Facebook page, in celebration and support of LGBT pride month, by all means, give all your cookies to me. I shall eat every one of them. I love Oreos♥
What's wrong with you?! Are you NUTS?!! This is probably the best cookie known to man! Even nursing babies give it the thumbs up!
It's so sad that something so small gets hounded by close minded individuals. What a bunch of hating bullies you people are. Folks are actually serious about NEVER buying Nabisco products every again! hahaha. Do you honestly not have anything better to do with your time than waste it getting worked up over a cookie? hahaha. Think about it.

Oh yeah, one more thing...

You do know your kids hate you right now, right? lol

Hair Trail

When men have their stomachs exposed and I see a trail of dark hair tornadoing down their belly button, it only tells me they have an even darker bush, waiting to surprise their next victim. Men should DEFINITELY be subjected to the same standards as women and be required to do three important things, so straight women and gay men don't find them disgusting: 1. Shave (manscaping is cool) 2.Wax 3.Laser.

No one likes a fro down below guys. You can thank me later!;)

Black Girl Booty

I think God was interrupted when drawing the black female posterior and that ink just kept on running and expanding. God was like "oh shit! Time's running out! I gotta turn this in NOW cause tomorrow's day 7! my day off, son!" I can never figure out where they get their jeans, dude! They fit so snug and they still wear a belt! lol

Mr. Treadmill Man

Got on the treadmill today, hoping my ass wouldn't fall off and slam into the wall like last time. I did REALLY GOOD!!! It's funny how things traumatize you. When I fell, everything felt like slow motion (even my desperate call for help) lol.

Once my mom ran to turn off the power switch, the adrenaline had worn off and I could feel the rubber burns on my knees and elbows. I went from burning fat to burning rubber. I swore to the heavens never to get on that mother fucking killing machine ever again and just stick to running at the park across the street. I guess after a while, I started to see it as a scary object. Kinda how like Mikey from "Look Who's Talking Too" sees Mr. Toilet Man.
After a few run-ins with Mr. Treadmill Man, I finally got the courage to hop on and get over my fear, only this time I wear the emergency clip and NEVER close my eyes lol.

♪You know it's hard out here for a Chick♪

Today's topic was supposed to be about the struggles women deal with when having to go pee. Our vaginas don't have disgusting elephant trunk like features, so any chance of peeing out in the wild is rather messy.

I've always wished for some type of magical contraption that one can just slap on and pee away. I searched and I found! Can't believe I didn't know about this before!

Ladies and Gentlemen...It is with great pleasure, that I present to you, a very funny but creative
invention...

Pretty cool, huh?! I mean, it ain't no cool girl penis you can just pull out whenever, but it's better than poppin a squat and getting pee all over ya.

Even though this is a HUGE help for those inconvenient emergencies, I still have hope that one day someone will invent a suction cup like gadget that washes, powders, and dries my lady parts.

Hate the Gays? Oppose Gay marriage?

then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you to...

GO FUCK YOURSELF

The same so called traditional alpha male roles
that sit behind computer screens, jacking off to GIRL ON GIRL PORN, while their wives are out buying groceries to cook for your one sided, ball scratchin, double standard asses, are the same men hating on LGBT and their HUMAN RIGHTS.

Here's some tissue to wipe the cum that landed on your Bible and family picture frame:) you naughty naughty little man.


To the Female body that live unhappy lives day after day, only wishing that the produce guy at the Walmart noticed you, would sweep you up and have his way with you already. Those poor soccer moms which husbands don't find desirable anymore cause you don't look like the MILF's they see at Sunday Mass. Hating females that start organizations that protest HATRED on people who they know nothing about, all because they feel homosexuals are destroying the sanctity of marriage. HAHAHA.

"SAYS SO IN THE BIBLE!!!!" dumb. This is just one of those battles that no one will come to peace with. So many religions, gods and beliefs. Seriously, do you not know how NOT SEXY you sound when you say this???!

"IT AFFECTS OUR CHILDREN!" no, it doesn't. You're the one who affects your child. You can't teach your kids how to be loving, accepting and tolerant if parent's are the ones who condone extreme hostility and hate. There is still hope tho.

"Gay education at schools?! That's an ABOMINATION!" no, that brain of yours is lol
What they need to take out of schools are two things: Religion and Math! Just kidding on the Math part lol. The curriculum at schools from preschool all through the 12th grade should focus on 10 things: 1.Speech development 2.Math 3.Science 4.Exercise (cause kids are just wayyyy to fat now and days) 5.Updated Sex Education 6.Self esteem/value 7.Respect 8.Equality 9.REALLY GOOD, REALLY HEALTHY nutritional breakfast and lunch breaks & 10.FUN COOL SHIT! (Arts, music, sports, clubs etc...) cause a happy kid is a focused kid:)

JUST KEEP RELIGION OUT OF IT! and hire really cool, really funny, open minded, smart teachers like Mr. Schuester from Glee lol

"BE LOVE AND LET LOVE BE"

You can Die-it!

In my personal fantasy of myself I'm crazy fit and see drops of sweat sliding down my perfect lady abs after a strenuous work out. I eat small portions and I don't sound like I'm getting oral while going up a flight of stairs.

I tend to daydream A LOT.

I really wanna be a healthy hot babe. First healthy, then hot. Two of the biggest challenges in my life have been: Eating right and Exercise. If I was anything in my past life, I was a YO-YO. Not a gorgeous humming bird or cocker spaniel...a YO-YO.

Being overweight fucks with all sorts of things. Sex is one of them.

(*DISCLAIMER* If you are reading my blog and are related to me or know me, do not be surprised. I have sex. If I can stand by a belief and stand by it proudly, it would be that there is no greater gift in life, than that of an orgasm.) Anywhos...

Another would be my health. That one most importantly. I've been feeling sick lately. In pain, back hurts, stomach and arms are starting to look unattractive. It ain't looking like baby fat no mo lol I think my body may shut down one day if I don't end this now.

It's funny...I always think "If I find the perfect exercise shoes, I can totally do this!"

I don't wanna end this post with an overly worn out motivational phrase like: I can do this! or The time is now!
So I won't.

my ass fell asleep and the tingly sensation has traveled up my back. The End.

Just Sayin...

Nothing saves you a trip to the Plastic Surgeon
(not to mention thousands of dollars), like wearing a sports bra, people.
Just have it on allllllll day and night and BAM! Perky boobies (o)(o) no anesthesia required:)

Chonies

I hate them. I don't wear them. what for! I mean they don't make them wide enough for my ass, so ya, I go commando like all the time.

Even as a baby, diapers were just way too small for me. I usually had scotch tape holding them together lol

My mom thinks it's disgusting (this coming from someone who irons their socks)

I don't even sweat the "maybe's" or "what if's".
Like "What if the bank I'm in gets robbed and the robbers have everyone pull their pants down and I refuse to do so and have no other choice cause they have me at gun point. what then? well then I guess...say hi to my vagina.

As much as I dislike them, I gotta wear them once a month when on my period. So you best believe when I wear a pair, they'll be the most comfortable, most unattractive pair of underwear you'll ever set eyes on.

Mega Million Losers

The odds of winning the Mega Millions were 1 in 176 MILLION.
That means, I had a better chance of escaping Prison with my black butch cell mate,

all while getting chased by the feds and walking into a Miss Universe Pageant (unnoticed & unregistered) and getting crowned 1st place.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Peet

My Baby turned 13 :*) So I did what any proud mother would do. I threw him a super cool Doggie birthday party! wooo!

Charlie♥

Peet's seriously the coolest 13 year old I know. He's my bestest Pal. March 16th is definitely the most important date on my calendar. I love my Dog.

Happy Birthday, Ma

I love youz♥

(she cropped me out of the photo cause it looked like I had down syndrome) gotta love her.